Marriage is one of the most sacred covenants God created. It’s also one of the most misunderstood. For many of us, marriage is entered with hope, longing, and the desire to be loved, chosen, and secure. Yet when marriage is built on lies, unmet needs, unresolved wounds, or a shaky sense of identity, it can become a place of deep pain rather than purpose.
I know this not from theory, but from my lived experiences. I’ve been married twice and both marriages ended in divorce. For a long time, I carried a lot of shame, confusion, and grief around that reality. I asked myself hard questions like: “How could I have been so wrong? Why didn’t I pay attention to all the red flags? Why did I choose to stay as long as I did?” But, perhaps the hardest question of all was “What does this mean about me and my faith in God?”
Over time, through prayer, reflection, and deep inner work, I’ve come to understand something that changed everything for me. My last divorce wasn’t about my past failures, it was the beginning of my healing! Choosing to stay single afterward was not a punishment; it was an invitation from God.
God’s Design for Marriage
The Bible is clear that marriage is sacred. From the very beginning, God designed marriage as a covenant, not a contract. Genesis 2:24 confirms this – “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Marriage is meant to be a union rooted in love, commitment, mutual respect, and shared purpose. This reflects God’s covenantal love that is faithful, sacrificial, and enduring. Ephesians 5:25 says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
This is a high calling. Marriage is not meant to complete us, rescue us, or heal our deepest wounds. It’s meant to be a partnership between two people who are already rooted in God and grounded in who they are. Unfortunately, many of us, including myself, enter into marriage hoping it will fill gaps that only God can fill.
Why I Chose Wrong (and What I Learned)
Looking back honestly, I didn’t choose my husbands from a place of wholeness. I chose from a place of fear, insecurity, and a longing to be loved and accepted, in ways I hadn’t yet learned to give myself. I now realize that I didn’t truly know myself. More importantly though, I didn’t fully know God, not in the deep, surrendered way that anchors you in truth rather than emotion. So, I ignored red flags, minimized incompatibilities, and believed that love alone was enough to overcome unresolved issues. Scripture warns us about this kind of blindness:
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23).
I hadn’t guarded my heart, in fact, I had handed it over way too quickly and recklessly. Divorce forced me to confront painful truths, but it also gave me clarity. Over time, patterns became visible and I began to see how my choices were connected to my beliefs about myself, my worth, and my identity.
What the Bible Says About Divorce
Divorce is painful, and Scripture never treats it lightly, but God’s heart is always for reconciliation, healing, and covenant. “For I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of Israel.” (Malachi 2:16).
This verse has often been used to load shame on those who are divorced or thinking about divorce. But when you read this verse in context, it reveals God’s grief over brokenness and not condemnation of the broken. Jesus himself acknowledged the complexity of divorce. Jesus says in Matthew 19:8 – “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.”
God understands human weakness. He sees manipulation, abuse, betrayal, abandonment, and brokenness. He does not shame us for surviving what we could not save alone.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18).
It’s true that divorce may not have been God’s ideal, but neither was staying in relationships that damaged my soul, distorted my faith, or modeled unhealthy love.
Why Staying Single Was Necessary for Me
After my second divorce, I made a decision that went against cultural pressure and well-meaning advice: I chose to stay single. Not because I was bitter or had given up on love, but because I knew I needed to heal. For me, singleness became holy ground. “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10).
In the quiet, God began to show me parts of myself I had ignored for years, my people-pleasing ways, my fear of abandonment (stemming from my childhood), and my need for external validation (just to name a few). He also began to show me who He is: faithful, patient, gentle, and deeply personal. I learned that loneliness and aloneness are not the same thing. Singleness doesn’t mean lacking, instead, it means space. When I understood this, I was able to accept the space to grow, to listen, to become and to realize my purpose. This brought me to what is now one of my favourite verses in the Bible: “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33).
Knowing God Before Choosing a Partner
One of the most important lessons I learned is that you cannot choose a healthy partner if you don’t know God’s voice. When we don’t know God deeply, we confuse chemistry with compatibility, intensity with intimacy, and attention with love.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”
(Proverbs 3:5–6).
Getting to know God isn’t about religion, it’s about relationships. It’s about allowing Him to shape your values, heal your wounds, and redefine love. Only then can you discern who belongs in your life long-term.
Knowing Yourself Matters Just as Much
Equally important is knowing yourself. Marriage magnifies who you already are, it doesn’t transform you into someone new. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord” (Lamentations 3:40).
In singleness, I learned my boundaries. I learned what peace feels like and what I will and will not tolerate. I learned that love does not require self-betrayal. I also learned that being whole is not selfish, on the contrary, it’s being responsible.
Marriage as a Choice, Not a Rescue
Marriage should be entered freely, not fearfully. It should be a choice, not a solution.
“Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up”
(Ecclesiastes 4:9–10). But two broken people leaning on each other instead of God will eventually collapse under the weight. When we choose marriage from wholeness, we don’t look for someone to save us, we look for someone to walk beside us.
A Word to Women Who Are Divorced or Single
If you are divorced, you are not disqualified. If you are single, you are not behind. If you are healing, you are not wasting time. The Bible reminds us in Ecclesiastes 3:11 – “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”
God is not in a rush. He cares more about who you are becoming than who you are married to. Whether God has marriage ahead for you or not, the invitation is the same: become rooted, healed, and grounded in Him first.
Closing Reflection
I can now say that I don’t regret my two marriages. I honor the lessons, grieve what was lost, and trust God with what’s ahead. Today, I am at peace at being single. Not because I don’t desire a partnership, but because I finally understand that love begins within. Love begins with God, and with myself. If marriage is in my future, it will be chosen from clarity and not fear. I want to be able to choose from faith, not loneliness, from wholeness, not wounds.
“The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.”
(Psalm 138:8).
